It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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