I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
