There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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