speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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