apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this beer tastes like vomit already
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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