had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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