there's paper in my vomit.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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