What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
