dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
