So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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