I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The air taste purple.
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