i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
