I want to stick my p in your. b.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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