Are we in a gay sports bar?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
