Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
