Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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