So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just had sex bonerless
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
