I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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