I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
