Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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