It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
