Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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