I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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