Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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