I wish I only lived at night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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