when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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