As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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