...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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