i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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