The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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