my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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