Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
