In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
