Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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