20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize