Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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