Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
