I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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