We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
