its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
