did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
