k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
