Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
