I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
