Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
