im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
