I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
