im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
