I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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