My nipple is on Facebook.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
