i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
