I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
4 words: hood of his car
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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